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OrientedDis.. Disoriented. |
Sunday, March 16, 2003 sigh. Unfortunately, the colorgenics test (where you pick colors which best reflect your current mood..) have hit the main problems/issues in my life today right on target.. especially in one particular passage (which will be italicized).. and this is the good and bad I suppose.. yeah. You are striving to make favorable impressions all of the time and you are going out of your way to make the impression that you are something special. You are constantly on the watch to see how your friends and neighbors are reacting to your various ploys. But this is so unnecessary because most of the time you are in control of the situation - and you are, in the nicest sense of the word, a 'manipulator' because you use various strategies very cleverly in order to influence and obtain the necessary recognition. You are willing to try anything once. You 'need to be needed' and what is perhaps more important you 'need to need.' You can only feel close to a person or persons when you feel you can trust them, but this trust needs to be proven to you. You wear your heart on your sleeve and since you are an emotional person you are apt to give your all - heart and soul - to all those that show you a little affection; but take care - it would appear that you have been extremely hurt in the past and you keep leaving yourself wide open for punishment. The unwanted situation in which you presently find yourself is causing you considerable stress and frustration and your feeling is that whatever you try to do to remedy this is to no avail. You feel trapped. You want to get away from it all as you feel that you are banging your head against a brick wall getting nowhere. You have turned your aggression inwards and you are furious with yourself for not being able to achieve your goals. (this is essentially.. completeeeetely true) You need to go away, somewhere where there are less restrictions and where you can be free to make your own decisions. Overwork - be it mental stress or physical strain, you are completely worn out and this depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation. You feel disappointed with your obvious lack of energy and powerless to do anything about it. You are angry with yourself and this frustration shows. You are contradictory and argumentative and feel helpless to change the situation at this time. Take a break - even if it is only for a few days - allow yourself to breath, to unwind - you'll feel much better for it. Then trust and let go. You are being very dogmatic, insisting that there is to be absolutely no equivocation whatsoever about your achievements and accomplishments. -- sigh. I'm.. well.. seriously panicked.. as of today... about monday.. and I know I need to calm down.. but it's just increasing.. I have too much pressure right now... I'm COMPLETELY upset with myself because.. yes.. I AM BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST A BRICK WALL.. trying to figure everything out, TRYING to reach my goals.. feeling that I'm not reaching my goals.. feeling that things are impossible at this time.. feeling VERY unconfident.. feeling upset because Der has visited and all of this is going on in the back of my mind, and Der wants to go out and do things... and I just... don't want to.. at all.. I don't want to do anything.. I don't want to do anything except study my frickin brain out to reach my goal on monday... but to no avail.. no avail... . . . babbled Lin |
