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OrientedDis.. Disoriented. |
Sunday, September 22, 2002 I'm not sure why people can tell me I'm beautiful, yet most of the time I feel like they're joking around with me. I'm not sure how I can be extremely confident inside, and yet so self-conscious about my appearance. No doubt that anyone reading this would suggest that in fact the truth is that I am insecure, but I know how I feel inside. I feel that I am someone who holds a lot of pride for the girl I have become, someone who walks with confidence, and someone with the sincere desire to be a friend to anyone who accepts me for the way I am on an un-superficial level. I will never try to fit in with a group where I feel I have to act superficial. This is just on my mind now because it is one of the mysteries about myself that I have yet to figure out, and moreso on my mind because of some recent comments. As I walk to my dorm room, tonight, alone on the long sidewalk.. I hear a guy whistle from his room and say something .. "look at that beauty/(booty?ha..that would be funny considering I don't have any :P)".. and guys are just naturally silly like that.. nothing to take seriously and it makes me uncomfortable.... I was working at this homeless shelter over the weekend. One of the workers helping me to serve food says to me as I hand him something.. ".. .. Thou art beautiful"... I blush slightly and walk away quickly.. not returning to the area where he was working. Another worker started to talk to me about my plans in school and he told me I was a very kind girl and that I was going to 'marry a very lucky man' ... in which I replied.. "uh.. haha.. yeah.. well.. I don't know.. maybe." .. and he replied.. "oh.. you will." ... I walked away thinking "I'm glad he thinks so..." ... sometimes I'm not sure. To simplify.. the two things which I feel I fail at miserably: 1) love/relationships 2) accepting compliments And I'm beginning to think they must be interconnected. Maybe I have to learn to love myself better before I can begin to think about any relationship. Heh, it's odd to me how I could feel so highly about myself inside, and yet maybe extremely inadequate at the same time. However... I don't really feel inadequate in appearance... my attitude is more like: "I know I'm not the best looking girl out there, and I want to be accepted more-so for the person I am on the inside anyway.. and so I'm not going to try very hard as far as my appearance goes.. I only want to look 'respectable' (hair brushed.. obvious stuff like that :P) .. " "For some.. love is the outter beauty.. for others.. it lies within.." while typing this I overheard that on the t.v. (on a car commercial), but that really caught me as exactly what I'm thinking... perhaps I'm loved (I prefer 'admired'.. you can't really love someone until you get to know them I think) mostly for who I am on the inside? ... *shrug* I hope so. . . . babbled Lin |
