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OrientedDis.. Disoriented. |
Thursday, May 23, 2002 thought it never possible how to put this in words. .. as I mentioned in my other blog.. today I went on a 'field trip' with a class (which consists of 6 people... 5 guys.. and me). It was an accident that a particular guy should come on the van I was riding in. Heh.. (two vans with only a class of 6 people?..don't ask..wasteful yeah).. the teacher, me, and two other guys were on this van. Bleh, enough with the specifics.. it's just that everyone had decided who would be riding on which van.. I jumped into a van disregarding whatever 'arrangements', and this other guy did the same.. arrangements previously where we wouldn't have been riding together. This doesn't lead to anything psycho. Anyway. heh. I never thought I would really get to "MEET" this guy.. he is the only guy since my freshman yr. who I have wanted to know better.. who I wished would get to know me better.. and as we have 10 days left of school before graduating.... I finally have met him. Of course we've known each other, but he has always been extremely shy in approaching/talking with me.. me being extremely quiet around him. Why?...I don't know. I know my reasons..never understood his. We practically talked the whole 2 hrs. to where we were driving..and then the 2 hrs. back. lol.. I've never been bombarded with so many questions in my entire life... never felt so particular and thoughtful in everything I had to say. The thing is... we have finally met.. he probably understands more about me, now, than so many other people.. and I never thought it possible. I'm not sure if he's the type of guy who just wants to understand different people better and so he analyzes them when he has the chance?.. or if he truly had any motive/extreme-interest in just getting to know me better. I'd like to think he doesn't do this with everyone and that he has always wanted to know me better.. finally taking this van-trip together as the opportunity to make the initiative. I actually enjoyed all of the questions he asked.. they were different.. made me think a lot about my character, beliefs.. everything.... and then of course every question he asked of me I had to know of him.. there was only one question upon arriving back from the trip that I hated and wished I had an answer to give.... "What's the longest relationship you've been in?" *sigh* and I only wish I had a clear answer to give him as to the reason why I haven't been in any serious relationship.. and that's a whole different topic altogether. I didn't even have time to explain.. and I didn't feel like I had the mindframe at that moment since it seemed very random of a question and caught me a little off-guard... because it's probably the one question I've over-analyzed by myself too many times and still haven't come to a conclusion, but I think I am coming to some realization of why.. and then again, maybe not. When I arrived home my mother asked - "did you learn anything today?" .. I answered "no" because I thought about the field trip..and the point of it all.. heh.. but then 5 seconds after saying that I thought to myself.."actually..I've learned more today than I ever thought I would in 4 years." It sounds cheezy, but.. it makes me happy. I can graduate now feeling that at least this person has met me, and I have met him, even if nothing ever comes of it... but we still have 10 days. lol.. j/p. I don't plan for anything to come from this, and it's scary to me that I'm going to have to see him for the next 10 days after I've opened so much about me to him.. did he approve of anything I said? admired? despised? *shrug* And that relates back to the whole 'relationship' topic. heh.. it's scary for me to open up too much about myself to people whom I admire, because if they don't accept me for who I am.. that would probably hurt me (or make me realize they're not worth my time? who knows.. I never give it a chance usually to find out).. but now that he knows so much of who I am, and if he accepts all of it, then he might as well marry me. ;D Of couuurse I'm kidding, but 'relationships' do pretty-much fall along a similar thought-process like that, with some particulars.. I have to first be understood and accepted completely for the person I am. That's all.. blog entries are so leeeeengthy lately. but *shrug* today will be memorable. . . . babbled Lin |
