|
OrientedDis.. Disoriented. |
Friday, May 10, 2002 bittersweet ..Derek decided to recommend song(s) today - not even mentioning my e-mail to him the other day.. not that he need to mention anything when I feel I'm getting a clear message.. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't jumping to assumptions, but screw jumping to assumptions anymore when one thing is obvious - that he seemingly could care less about talking to me about anything anymore..besides a "blip" here and there. those blips just being 'subtle' ways to tell me he hates me. who knows. Sometimes/usually I'm feeling that really I'm being "overly dramatic" about whatever-it-is.. but I know that we used to talk.. it's just sad to me that we don't anymore. Like I was telling someone today.. heh, just because I know a person through meeting them online doesn't mean I don't care for them as a person in real life. I get the feeling.. a lot.. that those I talk to online.. who I would consider "friends".. don't think of me beyond the online atmosphere of things. I'm not saying they need think of me all of the time when they're out and about living life, but do they ever really care about my well-being when they don't see me online? *shrug* I'm realizing a lot about "me" lately.. a lot of things which I've questioned or said I didn't understand about myself, I'm finally coming to light about what some of the real reasons are behind the things which make up "me". And one, major one being.. I care too much. Because I care, I try to remain detached from what is "real".. pretend like things aren't happening.. remain annonymous. . . and I think, at least half of the reason for this, is the fear of being hurt. Not physically, but I can be truly hurt if I let someone close to my heart.. and then only to end disappointed, sad.. this including friends, family, guys... so I remain cautious always. *sigh* Who would have thought it would take this long for me to figure it out. And now what? Two of the songs which I have been looking for.. the lyrics which I overheard and typed as quickly as possible were sitting in my e-mail box.. I couldn't find who the artist was though... Hoobastank - Running Away & the other which I had started to dl but got an incomplete version every time, he reminded me of it today: Alkaline Trio - Radio though I wanted the songs.. I really wish he hadn't been the one to 'recommend' them. *shrug* some of the other music he listed is really good too. honestly?.. I'm always excited when he recommends music because every song he has ever told me to get ends up on my favorites/keepers list..my harddrive is really small so I can only keep so much of what I dl (which is *a lot*).. with me keepers have to be sound + quality of lyrics/message .. but..lately the lyrics/message part of the songs seem negative.. and I just want to delete a lot of it after a while.. pretend like I never heard any of it. I guess that's all. Lots of work to do today, and tomorrow, and the next.. but then it is all soon-to-be-over. :) Friday.. hm, I should go out and do something.. ahha.. a song just came to mind.. haven't heard it in a while but it's cute.. nice.. I like it.. it's a keeper ;) The Cure - Friday I'm in Love .. though after this post I suppose I should make a song on the piano of my own.. maybe call it something like.. "Friday I'm depressed".. lol. j/p. life isn't so bad... just some things are screwed up that shouldn't be.. and sure, I'll take every ounce of blame for whatever it is.. just don't ask me to look back when I do.. I'm moving on, because I'm not sure what else can be done.. not sure where to go from here.. and so I have to.. I've been running in place for too long. . . . babbled Lin |
