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OrientedDis.. Disoriented. |
Sunday, December 16, 2001 ... today ('yesterday' now) was probably one of the most depressing days of my life. ... I don't want to go into it.. don't need to.. it just hurts too much. I need to get out of this house before I hurt/kill myself. Yeah, that sounds intense, but this journal is for my current feelings/thoughts atm, and I won't lie.. therefore there-you-go.. heh, that's what they are. I turn 18 in February, and I should know where I've been accepted/declined to college by then. I've really been thinking about graduating early. I don't need anymore credits to graduate, and if I've been accepted to college by then it won't matter anyway. So.. my best friend has told me that if I ever need a place to stay, she'll be more-than-happy take me in.. and that works, because she's 19 (20 in August) and has been living independently ever since the day she turned 18.. so it's not like I'd be going to a friend's house where the parents kick me out of staying with them because they don't approve or something. Anyway. So I've seriously been considering a one-way ticket to her place in Oregon soon-after I turn 18, then I'll wait-it-out there in Oregon until it's time to go back to school.. then I might head off to ASU/UA (I'm not sure what I'll do if I want to go out-of-state.. heh).. but ASU and UA have already been covered in-full with any money I might need... maybe I'll just go to school in Oregon (i.e. Linfield, which I've already been accepted to), and my best friend would still be around to visit. Bleh. Anyway. Things aren't good at home... basically just having major problems with my dad (as always)... I woke up this morning and he started telling me about how "ungrateful/un-thankful" I am?.. I have no idea where it even came from, but he just went-off, lectured for over 2 hrs.. said mean things.. and unfortunately he's convinced himself of all these "things" that he thinks I "believe". Heh, he couldn't be more far from the truth when he says I'm "ungrateful/unthankful" - I always tell my mom "thank you.. thank you.." tell him, "thanks for lunch... thanks for ___... thanks for".. but he acts as if I should be thanking him for EVERYTHING he has EVER given me. He brings up topics such as my "computer", my "phone line",the family's "piano", the "house".. just about everything. I'm sorry, but does anyone realistically go around telling their parents every day.. every week.. any time?.. "Hey.. thanks for providing me with a room"..."Hey.. thanks for that piano you bought me 8 years ago.." yeah it might be nice if people thanked other people for everything, but it just doesn't happen, heh, because there's so much thank him for that he's done in-the-past.. and I do a good job of thanking my parents when they provide me with things in-the-present. heh. I'm not going to beat this subject to death because it's pointless.. stupid. Also, he thinks that all I ever do is "demand.. want".. first, I haven't asked for one thing for Christmas, but when he brought up the possibility of getting me a snowboard this Christmas (about 2 days ago) I got all excited and we went out looking for snowboards. Turns out he already had my ideal snowboard in mind, he showed it to me, and it's nothing of what I'm looking for. It's a guy's board, too wide, too big, too curvy at the ends.. and we saw another snowboard for $140 ($40 more than the snowboard he showed me) and it was my ideal board. To make this retarded story short: He got pissed at me because he says all I ever want is "CAVIAR"-type stuff. Again, not true. This snowboard I pointed out was used, not very pretty, but did have everything board-shape/design-wise that I was looking for. I didn't want him to buy the cheap one because otherwise I know it will not be used by me, I will not like it, and it will go to waste (just like the piece-of-crap car he supposedly bought me.. which a) it IS DEFINITELY a piece of crap.. take my word on this.. b) I haven't got to drive it once.) Bleh, oh well. The pain inside is what hurts the most. That my father would rather cut-me-down for miniscule reasons that he finds a "fault" with in me. *shrug*.. I don't care.. oh.. did I mention, he told me today "don't be surprised on Christmas when you don't have any gifts.. I can see you now.. starting to cry.. blahblahblah.. well you're not getting anything this Christmas.. and you'll probably hate me.. but you're just TOO ungrateful".. yeah.. so I'm an ungrateful bitch who does nothing with my life. .. hm. ..I'll either be dead before Christmas or just sleep on Christmas.. heh. no, not dead.. the problem is just with my dad, not with the entire world and everyone else I care for.. that's what I keep reminding myself with. *sigh* Maybe if I just lie under the sun long enough I will melt like an ice cube and all my sadness will evaporate into the air so I can start again Soledad - Angie Cruz . . . babbled Lin |
