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OrientedDis.. Disoriented. |
Sunday, July 08, 2001 (ahh! long post!) .. *sigh* ... I don't know.. I want to write about stuff, but I don't want to sound crazy at the same time *shrug* .. *grin* I mean.. I've noticed there is no "disclaimer" for this blog (like my other one has).. and so I'm kind of more hesitant to write stuff that might sound "crazy".. "psycho".."messed-up".. *shrug*.. but.. I just need to write what's on my mind right now because..... I just feel lost inside. *sigh* no, it didn't suddenly just hit me today, but, I know it's kind of been building up.. I've been trying to ignore it.. kind of feeling depressed.. *shrug again* and what about? That's the worst part.. I don't really know. I kind of do know - I think it's.. my life in general. I feel empty all around. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Of course I have my friends to talk to - I know my best friend Michelle is always there to talk (kind of) - but it's different. I need things to be explained to me.. like.. I'm questioning a lot about me right now.. .. I guess it's mostly.. I don't know.. feeling like I need a guy to talk to, but then I do have guy friends who I can talk to.. *shrug* but I want someone to try and understand me.. I can't explain it. I think Derek once tried, heh, and I'm sorry Derek (if someday.. ever.. you read this).. I could never take you seriously, and I never understood you, and you seemed to want to understand me, and I kind of loved that.. but somewhere it fell apart.. even a simple friendship *sigh* sorry.. a lot of that I'm proabably responsible for... ::chuckles slightly:: but can't say I didn't warn you about me - I only wish I understood me. .. and I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think they'd understand.. when everything is meant to be broken.. I just want you to know who I am. ::laughs slightly:: that song just came on.. I remember when I first downloaded it too.. k.. so I gotta say bye to you Derek..our friendship just doesn't seem to be anymore. lol... omg.. a spider just appeared.. and I've been trying to kill it for the past minute or two - moving my desk around and stuff.. and I was leaning down peering down at the ground with my knees on the chair to see if I could find the spider around my desk area, and I moved my desk.. haha.. and a lamp fell right on the back of my head (a fairly small lamp.. but still!).. heehee.. ugh.. so anyway.. yeah.. I'm just remembering lots of stuff right now and brining all the emotions in with it at the same time.. (does that make sense?..no?.. ok.. I didn't really think so either)... as Rudy would say.. ::laughs:: " *cough* pms " ... but I swear it's not that...... it can't be because.. well. it's not! haha. I won the thing I was bidding on, btw :) (waymore than I wanted to pay though!.. but I love it, so it's ok) Maddy.. what the heck were you talking about?? "See you next September"?? Huh? lol.. uh.. I'll be talking to you online at least.. right?.. I mean.. you're not going to a deserted desert where you would be computer deprived or something.. heehee.. so what are you talking about? I don't even get why you said that though? Are you going somewhere? Michelle, we need to make a time when we can visit! my best friend.. and I haven't seen you for how long now?? It's crazy! We MUST plan something! I'm going to miss my good friend, Jen's, birthday party :( And it's a camping party down at sedona! (the niiiicest/funnest place!!) 'cause I'll be touring damn colleges on the east! SUCK! dang.. and I missed her party last year too :( (heh.. was touring colleges in Cali.) When I opened her b-day invite which came in the mail, lol, confetti flew everywhere.. it was funny ;) Ugh.. I knew I gave my friend (I'll omit his name) the wrong impression when I went out with him the other week. Heh. I should've just said "no I don't want to go" when I had the chance.. he was leaving me alone.. now he's back. Heh.. and he has a fucking girlfriend! ('scuse my language)... but if he has a girlfriend.. then whyyyyy oh whyyyyyyy is he coming to my door to see if I "want to go out for drinks"?? ... I decided to put pjs on early today 'cause I wasn't planning to go out or anything, and I have my music blasting (no one at home).. and then I look out my window and see him and his friend walking up to my door!!!!!!!!! ugh!!... lol.. so I panick and find the clothes I had changed out of.. turn my music down.. change into this black mini-skirt (what I was wearing earlier).. heh.. and I'm thinking I don't want him to see me wearing what I am.. because.. I mean, well.. it is kind of.. flaunty I guess? I mean.. it doesn't look slutty when I wear it (haha.. at least I don't think so or I wouldn't wear it), but it does make me look "nice" I guess.. heh.. and I had my "nice" tank-top on. UGH.. anyway.. again.. didn't know what to say.. TRIED to get out of going.. but I can't seem to find the right words 0and say "fine.. if we're back in.. like.. half an hour.. because I think I.. uh.. might be going somewhere later".. and so I step out of the door and am like "ugh.. didn't have time to change..still in 'church clothes'".. and he was like "looks niiiice"... heh.. .............................................. *sigh* sometimes life.. a lot of times.. can just downright suck. I think I just killed my arm trying to kill a spider.. ugh.. I'm off to find that damn thing... . . . babbled Lin |
